I’ve run out of journals, can you tell? I’m also procrastinating studying for my summer school exam. I love James Joyce and Anton Chekhov, but… I’d rather wallow in my own thoughts and wants. Sometimes I wonder why God continues to put up with me – this erratic creature! But then I remember that He made me. I don’t blame God for my faults, because He did not intend me to be broken, or have struggles; he sees me the way He intends me to be, in all my potential – that is such good news to my soul when I have been wandering and struggling. In the midst of a struggle I suddenly remember to check my spiritual radar – and often find it’s out-of-whack. Well, maybe the radar example isn’t such a good one… It’s more like I’ve been putting soy sauce in my gas tank rather than gasoline (yes, I have gone overboard with the car analogies since I recently got one. yay! that was a horrible by the way, but I’m going to stick to it, because it’s kind of funny). Even too much soy sauce can be a bad thing..ok, ok, that was horribly NOT funny.
Um yes – Waiting. Waiting is not something I do well. I always have to be doing something, which does not mean I always use my time well, don’t be fooled – but isn’t it part of our culture to expect instant rewards, instant gratification, instant mashed potatoes, instant wireless internet and instant communication? This mentality strives against the “anything worth waiting for is a good thing” proverb of yesteryears. Problems arise especially for my age group wanting big salaried jobs right out of college (need I mention the work ethic?!), and in relationships. As a Christian waiting for marriage is one of the hardest things! Not that it’s been any easier for past generations, but those of us holding to the purity standard before marriage are seen as rather Conservative and backwards. That’s not what was on my mind tonight though…
It was waiting in general for a good thing. Don’t go messing up God’s plans because you were being impatient, REBECCA! I have to say it to myself a lot. I also have to remind myself that “the world does not revolve around you” and “Stop making your problems/desires/wants/needs bigger than God”. After all, He knows everything and everything means everything about me; He knows everything about everyone else in this world too. Crazy. But not to go down another rabbit trail…this thing I’m waiting for, whatever it is at the moment, I have to give it to the Lord and trust He will work it out in time. Letting it run circles around my head does not make it happen any sooner. If it requires my attention, then I do my part, and leave it be. If it’s something that would potentially create a mess if I stuck my fingers in it and stirred it around right now, then I have to relinquish control, as hard as it is. God has a good plan. In time what I’m waiting for will come to fruition if it’s in His plan.
I can’t get away from this topic: I typed “waiting” into Google images and up popped some pretty hilarious, but also very disgusting images of female skeletons in bridal dresses, etc, obviously waiting for “Mr. Right”. As I mentioned in a previously vulnerable blog post (perhaps I should begin censoring my posts), I am waiting for that too, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I just don’t want people to think that’s all that occupies my mind. I am waiting for numerous other things that I find myself impatient in as well, like having money one day! But the point is, our society tells young women to go after their desires and “make your dreams come true”. There’s something to be said for being a go-getter and not falling into the passive trap, but in the case of relationships, this seems to be an adulteration of the standard God calls us to as young people to prepare ourselves, respect our brothers and sisters, wait patiently, and act shrewdly and wisely in all, not only dating relationships. I tend to learn the hard way. I needn’t elaborate. I know this is something all other people my age (except you bastards who found your sweetheart and got married early. Forgive my abruptness. good for you.) are going through Sometimes the desire and anguish can be so extenuating if we let it… we must turn our attentions and energies to other things that are productive.
Sometimes re-directing my attention only comes with yes, fierce will-power, but that often fails. I have to consider what the Lord has in store for me, and what would be the best use of my attention/energy right now for the expectant future. Usually that is enough to spur me on. Right now this means stop writing meandering blog posts and get back to studying for my exam tomorrow! Because, it would be a mature and responsible thing to do to finish this degree strong to get a better job to support myself for the foreseen future. 
Thank God I don’t get graded on the organization of my thoughts in blog posts like I do my English papers! … and thank God He can sort out my fragmented prayers!
Again, waiting for Mr/Mrs. Right, yes, but in life in general, waiting is one of the hardest things. I don’t think I could wait without God’s help.
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Posthumously, I couldn’t resit posting this grisly photo:
It speaks the sardonic voice of our society telling young women to take the reins in relationships. Even in Christian circles, this is often looked upon as normal. But… in His word God gives men the charge to be initiators and women to respond, which can be tough for post-feminism and post-modern Christian women to accept. It does not mean that men and women are not created equal. Conversely, waiting doesn’t have to mean being passive and wasting away. Both men and women have to wait, but we women find it more difficult because of our impatient nature, I think. I’m biased. I still hate the antiquated idea of being a “lady in waiting” though. ugh. thoughts?
