This semester there is a void in my life. I created it. It is more of a distance than a void because I cannot make “it” disappear. “It” is dance. This void is me without dance.
Me without dance is a novel idea! Let me tell you how scary. It was one of the hardest choices I had to make. Dance is like a person to me, like my best friend, yet some days my worst enemy. So when I say bye to dance it is truly a “good bye, I will have to learn to survive without you”.
I made the choice. I will choose to not look back and try not to regret but only learn. I have a lot to learn about me. I think I can only do it without dance, or experiencing what life is life taking a step outside of dance. The extremity is not all that I make it out to be. I will continue to take daily technique class, but I chose to physically drop all dance courses and dance company. I am free from responsibility, pressure, and attachment. I made that distance for myself. I felt I needed to. I needed to take a step back a step outside to get perspective and to see if I will return, and if I can, how many long it will take. Will I be homesick for the stage? Will I be freed to dance freely, uninhibited by the standards that both I and others have set for me? I want to trust that in giving it up, I am submitting control to God. But I have been advised to take class daily, and I know I would become depressed without that stability. That wayI have provided for a way back in, when I am ready. I hope that I am not lying to God by not trusting Him enough by trying to still hold onto some piece of dance. But who or what am I trying to prove? I have no right to test God. Neither should I try to bargain wiht him. In my heart I must make sure I am not saying “Look God, I gave this up for you” and trying to bargain with Him because I might end up being bitter. God is not a man that I can hurt His feelings or make Him bend to do what I want Him to do.
So in this measure that I am “giving up dance” I am not giving up on dance, and not forsaking the person with the gifts God endowed me with. Simply letting go of something that I allowed to have too much power over me in the past. This was a neccessary turn I had to take, for short or for long term. It will be hard but there are lessons about life and things I need to learn and experience myself. I will ask the Lord to either revive my passion and energy for it in due time or show me it is time to move on. The latter is not what I want to hear. May God fill the new found void with something new. May He fill the most room in my heart so all else is secondary.