More like the horseshoe…you know, that familiar stretch of green on USC campus, but I like to imagine I am in Central Park again, and I can wander for miles…
That is something I need for myself – alone time, introspection time, to think, ponder and write to process things. It usually leads to prayer. I wish my prayer life was better. Monday night was so good for my soul, just praying for Columbia and USC students. God is doing something big here, and it needs to begin with us. I prayed for revival, but in my heart first. God, forgive my hypocrisy and pride that says I have to get my life right first before you can use me. I have to trust that you can use me how I am now, still broken and messed up.
Last Sunday I wrote a lot. It had been awhile and I had a lot bottled up inside. I still do. I need to get it out. I let my busy life drown me and don’t take time for myself to process things. I am realizing I have to say no to some things. I can’t please everyone. It’s not selfish to take time for myself. It’s necessary.
I stopped to read some engravings on the signs by the McKissop Museum. Incredible history, right here, under our noses! I must learn to embrace South Carolina, It is hard for me though, because I never wanted to be here, to stay here long. I never guessed I would be going to school here. I can already reflect on the last 2 years and see the reasons God brought me here, for maturity, spiritual growth; there’s got to be a reason! There is more than one. It is still hard to understand why God would allow me to lose my motivation for my love. I need change that can only happen in this secluded place, it seems. I like to think that God brought me here for more than all that, for a greater purpose than this. I’m not very patient; I want adventure, action, excitement! But I feel stagnant and useless. I know that is not true, I have accomplished many things here, but I feel like I’m still going nowhere. The scary thing is, what if I leave, and I end up finding out how much I liked it here?
Here I am, finding my adventure in the pages of British literature that I read the night before class after I get off work. I like having Chad in my class because he’s another nontraditional classmate, one that has done so many great feats and remains humble, former guitarist for BAUMER. I am slightly jealous of him and his band – they got their fill of performing and decided to break it off while they were still going strong. I feel like mine was a matter of circumstances, and it was definitely cut short. I love it still. It is part of me I cannot get rid of, I am sure I have said this before, that I do not want to lose it, yet I find myself doing the opposite. Because of pain and difficulty, I try to starve out the dancer in me. It’s easier. I feel it would be best to. But I cannot. I am unfulfilled. That is why I cannot leave it completely yet and I vainly hope it can be returned to me.
I am going at this all wrong. I will always be a dancer. If I perform again, I want it to be at my best, not just thrown away, as I feel it would be now if I performed, because I am not focused. Also, my performing career would look differently than what I imagined. I need to be more flexible and reasonable. I think a hindrance in the past was how closed-minded I was. Ballet only, I would tell people that. It took breaking down my world of dance through trial and reluctance before I could begin to appreciate and consider other types of dance. As a trained ballet dancer though, my technique will remain based in classical ballet but I would expand on it. I should not be afraid to do something else for the sake of losing the quality, then, because the quality is there, and can be renewed and refreshed. Ahh, there is so much more out there than this! I want to jump out of the box! Wait. That’s interesting. I guess I don’t need to be box-shaped then first, do I?