It feels like months since I wrote last. and it almost is one. I have gotten swept up in school this semester and trying to continue working enough that I am already behind.
My idea to cut myself off from ballet hasn’t exactly worked out. I never couldcompletely quit, although I have felt it would be best. I am grateful for Tanya and Thaddeus; they have been a great source of encouragement. Have I been ungrateful to them by refusing to be involved in Tanya’s choreography for the October show? I had made my decision to not perform this semester, to distance myself from ballet, for reasons of my own, in perhaps vain hope that my passion would be returned to me. If my life were under different terms right now, if I had time to devote to it as well, I hope it would be different. It is something that means so much to me I don’t want to be only half in. I must be all in or all out. right? I question myself. This is a time of searching. Yet I cannot revive my passion for dance outside of dance, can I? The passion, the love, the desire, yes, from absence can grow stronger. But what of the feeling, the physical and the essence of dance? That loss from even the shortest absence is difficult to regain.
In my recent imposed distance from performing, rather than all together absence from ballet, I have begun to noticed a growing change in how I view other types of dance. I have been explorng swing dancing, shagging, Lindy hop, some break dancing with my new friends Lavell and DW. I made good friends with belly dancer Ashley Bennett who works near me and is dating a friend of mine. She is awesome, but I don’t understand them…I don’t think I could ever date a dancer–we’re all too crazy.
I started ballroom dance in the USC dance sport club. There’s something about it that I can relax into. The women’s size does not make her less of a person or a dancer. Beautiful ambition. Beautiful movement. Beautiful finesse. I love ballroom. There is so much great dance out here that isn’t so strict as ballet, but maybe just as fulfilling. Tonight we did Rumba and International Waltz. I felt like I had my right from my left confused. The rumba is a different way of moving that I am not use to. It’s sexy, sultry, luscious.It’s not easy. You have to remain calm, and attentive to your partner’s movement Maybe I’ll find my niche with ballroom.
I haven’t had the time to journal about everything I wanted to recently, and all the reviews or article ideas I have had came and gone with no documentation. So I will try to catch up…
Ned gets after me. He brought me the article on Columbia contemporary Dance’s upcoming performance earlier this week and pointed to the author’s name, “Why isn’t that your name yet?”. It was a big insert with Miriam Barbosa and one of her dancers; I know them so I could have easily gotten access to interview them, if I had been thinking and prepared ahead of time. I ‘m thankful for people like Ned in my life. He believes in me,without really ahving seen anything that I am capable of. He says my voice needs to be heard, but I have to get it ou there. My excuse is I’m too busy. I don’t want to be that way, it’s just the honest truth. I suppose I could always fit one more thing in, but I remeber how hectic last year was for me and I don’t want to repeat that. It was all good, just exhausting. I never get my fill of sleep. Labor Day weekend I think I ended up going to work, coming home and sleeping, going to wotk, coming home and sleeping some more. If you can catch up on sleep, that’s what my body was trying to do. Enough about sleep. We all need it. Thank God I work at a coffee shop. Although my goal this school year is to not get overly dependent on it.
Work is going well and I have had the luxury of keeping in contact with friends and regulars who come into my store, otherwise I might never see them! I have also made some new aquaintances as well, among these a young, hip professor named Jonathon Merick who gave me the name of the director of the Arts Institute on camus. I met with her and she immediately offered me an internshio there. I am so excited to get started! I will be in the middle of the arts and helping plan events to support funding projects and increasing interdiscplinary opportunities and ideas among the arts on campus and in Columbia. I will be able to be connected to an environment that is the community I want to be involved in, just not just solely ballet.