This may alarm some of you, but seeing as I don’t have a great following anyway, I am not worried. It just needs to get out there, in the open. I am not strong enough at present to tell any more. I have a problem. It has to do with self-control. I can make explanations all day long about the reasons I do things think the way I do, shifting the blames, making excuses, giving up and giving in rather than trying to change and being conscientious of it. I idolize things I shouldn’t. My family life and career ambitions put undue stress on me. Blah blah blah if they don’t help me change Enough self-understanding! Enough therapy! Enough rules, doctors, counselors, guidelines, tricks! I need to change! And no one is going to do it for me, unfortunately. Not even God will change me for me.

At this time when I want to seek God earnestly for revival of the church at USC and in Columbia, it begins with us, with me. It’s not that I have to “get everything right” before I can come before God or before He can use me, but I need to live my life in order to honor him. I cannot be a witness if I have a big wall up in my own heart still. It was being torn down at one point, but I began stacking up the bricks again recently, for no particular reason. This thing, this burden, this sin that has developed from so much hurt and wrong and crested so much bondage and withdrawal in my life is a hindrance to not only my health but my spiritual life. I cry out for God to take it away from me, but how willing am I to change? He will not take it away, will he? I believed I was healed and set free earlier, but I took it back again. I must be the one to put it away and ask God for strength not to pick it back up again. It is hard. Gosh darn it! Why can’t it be easier? Can you make it easier, Lord? God I need your help! Again! Every day!

This is my self talk: Rebecca, you have a problem. Only you can make the decisions to change it. Only you can choose to remember God’s help in the midst of those troubling times. Only you can accept God’s grace when you fail and stop, pick up and go again not looking back and not dwelling on your mistakes. Only you can praise God for those things you know he has done in your life. Only you can chose to share and who to share with. Only you can help someone who needs your help at sometime in the future. Only you can choose to live in that freedom which Christ give us freely.

Proverbs 25:28

1 Corinthians 9

Galatians 5 The Fruits of the Spirit


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