Here I am, sitting in the Dallas airport on my way home, thinking over a conversation I had recently with Matt. I am struck by the thought that I don’t expect God to work miracles in my life. I want to see miracles in other’s lives, and I pray for them, and I want miracles in my life, but I don’t ask God for them. Why don’t I believe God is big enough? That is a scary thought. My God is big enough to work miracles. This is the time of year we remember His greatest miracle of all – sending his Son into this world as a baby to grow up and live a perfect life and die for the world, for us. Why? Because He loved us. So why won’t I believe that God wants to do miracles in me if He loves me so much He died for me? God, glorify yourself in me. Give me faith to move mountains, because my faith is weak.
I am thrilled to get to go back home to New Mexico and see my sister perform in Christmas Joy. It will be her last year, this 25th anniversary of the show. It will be difficult to tell all the girls I grew up with and spent all day in rehearsals with that I am not dancing now. I fear their disappointment or someone’s, but I think it is really my own, not theirs. My last year performing in Christmas Joy was the 20th anniversary, before I moved to study at Boston Ballet. I thought that I would be doing something much different now. I imagined myself more “successful” but my definition of success was something very narrow-minded. I am reminded again and again that my identity is not in my career or success, but in the Lord. Rebecca, get over yourself! If I have learned anything, this is what God has been teaching me these last couple years. I have had to go through distress and turmoil to learn it. I wonder if God will return my dancing to me. It would take a miracle. I think I need to start praying for and expecting miracles. If that is not the miracle He wants for me, then God, change my heart!