What is it that is disturbing my peace now, swirling around in my head and bubbling to the surface when I have a moment to sit and think? I often use writing to help me sort out my thoughts, but this I think needs prayer more than anything…
During Christmastime while I am at home with my family there are many happy, festive things going on, a little stress to get gifts together, but mostly I have a lot of time to myself, and during this time my mind is flooded with the typical worrying about trying to stay fit over the holidays, not forgetting anyone to call or send cards or gifts to, and various other superficial things. Something that happened made me consider why I think so highly of myself and sometimes look down on others. When I feel on top of the world, like after I finished teaching Pilates class today, or when I am all dressed up and did my hair and makeup, I feel so beautiful and proud… then there are times when my hair is a mess and I have been scrounging around the house muttering to myself all day and I see myself, and I grumble at my reflection in the mirror. It’s not just my physical appearance that sets me off into this state of reflection – when things don’t go my way and I use angry words or think them, when I use a disrespectful tone with my mother, when I have fallen back into a bad habit that I despise, I despise myself and think, “you’re such a mess!” Then I wonder why I wait for better things, thinking I deserve better… am I waiting until I “get myself together”? Bad news: I am never going to be perfect. Then I kick myself for giving up striving to be perfect. what a horrible circle to get caught up in! Only when I remember the grace of Jesus Christ does my striving heart relax and I realize He loves me the way I am, here, now. He is not waiting to love the person I want to become, although He has good plans for that too.
If I can expect and receive such grace and love from Christ to accept myself the way I am now, perhaps I need to give others that same grace. how about in relationships and friendships? What kind of standards should I set for people in those? I set pretty high standards for myself and constantly fail them. Is it right for me to expect other people to live up to my standards too? Probably not. This is all an internal dialogue that is going on within me while I size people up. What a judgmental creature I am! Also, I tend to give others more grace than myself, as if they need it, and I don’t! Even my grace is hypocritical. So how will I ever learn to love, and be loved in return? Will I ever be able to have satisfying relationships with people? with someone?
About more personal details, I need to go on a long prayer walk and ask the Lord about them. If I have any general revelations, I will try to post them in a format beneficial for public eyes. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God” ~Phil. 4:6